Have you ever prayed for something that you knew you wanted, even needed? And you prayed it sincerely and honestly and earnestly? And it was a really good thing. And you genuinely wanted God to come through on that “thing.”
And then God said “Yes!”
And then you totally freaked out because suddenly you realized that while you really wanted and needed this very good thing, maybe you weren’t really emotionally ready to take it on. You desired it with all your heart and you knew that it would take you to a new level of faith and growth and joy, but inside a fear gripped you tighter than a rusty pair of vice grips in the hands of a seasoned blacksmith.
Has that ever happened to you?
Do I even need to mention that I think I’m there?
I have prayed for this circumstance for 2 years and I will readily admit that the first year I prayed it, I wasn’t really sincere. And God knew that. And I wasn’t ready, and I’m pretty sure God knew that too. Now I find myself at the beginning again and this time I prayed it again and I feel like maybe God is finally saying “yes” and I’m not sure I’m ready.
I have to believe that God knows if I’m ready or not though, right? I mean He promised “I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you.” (Heb 13:5) And in His love He casts out all fear, right? (1 John 4:18) So why would I think that a good thing I have prayed for could somehow harm me?
It’s not about God’s intentions, I realize. It’s about my vulnerability. In order for this prayer to be fulfilled I have to embrace humility, openness, and authenticity. Now understand that I am not confessing to being an artificial person. I try to be sincere and real with everyone I meet. I don’t put up pretense or pretend to be what I am not.
That said, I am not always open about my life and thoughts. Some things I keep to myself because they are personal. What I have prayed for is also very personal. In order to fulfill this prayer I have to be willing to drop that guard.
Perhaps the next prayer I should earnestly pray is the prayer for courage.