Little Bit has decided to “talk.” Like her sisters that means she tries to express herself A LOT. You caught the “tries to,” right? Because quite honestly, try as I might, I really don’t have a clue what she is saying. I pretend though. I nod and smile and babble back or ask her questions like, “Really?!” and “Then what happened?” Sometimes I have to ask her to “show me.” At which point she usually goes to a cabinet and pulls out a snack or goes to the fridge and bangs her angry little fists on it. It is entirely too frustrating for her to say “ya ba na ga” and have me miss the point that she needs a drink. I mean, really? How much clearer could she be?!
But sometimes she starts fussing and it’s just fussing. There are no words to translate or hand gestures to go on. She just yells. And nothing I offer will work. Blankie? Paci? Juice? Snack? New diaper? She just yells. Inevitably she ends up sitting on me with all of the above and all she really wanted was my lap, a hug and my heartbeat in her ear. It’s enough to just sit there and rest.
It feels this way with God sometimes. I know He is trying to get a lesson through to me but I just can’t understand. The pastor will preach a sermon that I know I’m supposed to “get” but I don’t. A friend will bring me a problem and I don’t feel like I am qualified to even pray much less offer advice or comfort. He asks me to engage in a project but another human element involved offers no feedback, or guidance.
I feel like I am walking with a blindfold on through a dark house for the first time. I just don’t understand. And I am terrified at the unknown, fearful of being hurt, petrified of failing, and if we go for transparency, more than just a little perturbed that God wouldn’t give me a little more to go on. I mean He’s all-knowing and in charge right? Surely He could at least give me a penlight!!
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones.
The word “all” is such a sticker. All my heart has to believe that God has my best in mind. If even a part of me is holding out, I’m going to miss the point. Kind of like stepping on that Lego in the dark. I may know my entire house and have confidence that everything is still where I left it when I turned off the lights, but a part of me still shuffles down the hall at night to make sure my toe catches the Lego and pushes it aside before it hits my tender arch. If I was all in I would march down the hall with confidence but I have just a shadow of doubt. I understand that my children have a tendency to drop things. Did they? I don’t know, but I understand that it’s a possibility so I lean on that and walk with trepidation.
It’s the human element. I would trust but other people are involved. But they aren’t who I am supposed to look to for understanding either. God is to be my source in ALL my ways. Parenting, marriage, service…everything. My favorite part is in verse seven. Do not be wise in your own eyes. It never fails that just about the time I think I have it all planned and thought out and I know exactly what I’m doing, someone changes the plan.
Now my gut reaction at that moment is to get angry or frustrated or maybe, just maybe, I’ll just sit down and cry. But I am instructed to revere God and stay the right course. Rest in God and not only will it all work, but I will be renewed and restored by the process. Sometimes I just have to grab my blankie, coffee cup, Bible, journal and a hearty dose of quiet, and curl up in the Father’s lap and listen to His heartbeat for me.
Sometimes I may not understand it all but I know He has the best for me and I can rest in that perfect lap of love.